I just read this phrase on a piece of memorial jewelry. I love it. I have been thinking about getting a memorial tattoo in honor of Maddie...I'm still contemplating what, where and who I want to do this very important piece of art for my daughter. But I think I will be able to find a little bit of peace after I have Maddie with me always.
Every morning I wake up and ask myself if this was all just an awful dream...and remember the doctor gently telling us that he is sorry, but your child is not alive. I get that chest-crushing feeling...grab my glasses and start my day.
It sucks.
I found out the other day that I am heterozygous for Factor V Leiden mutation. Basically I clot too much, but not so much that I have to be on anticoagulants for the rest of my life--just baby aspirin. That's do-able. I said soon after Maddie's arrival that I would feel relieved if the problem was me...but I don't. I feel as if I am restarting the grieving process. I am so unbelievably pissed about everything. The smallest remarks make me want to blow up. It takes every ounce of restraint to keep it together at times. It's not me.
I sort of get how confused people must feel. They must sense something isn't right, but are powerless to change how they think or act.
I hope to someday find a part of the old me--the pre-Maddie me. Right now I'm not sure she's there.
Bear with me, it’s been a while.
8 years ago
Sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. I have never heard of that Factor V Leiden before. I lost my son on Jan. 3rd after having fetal surgery. The doctors don't know why he died. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if new what caused his death, if I could blame myself or someone/thing else. It sucks either way:(
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