It has been six months since we brought Ava into the world silently, and a little over 2 years since Maddie was stillborn. I also had an early miscarriage in September that very few people know about. I am having a very, very hard time with my grief. I feel compelled to keep it inside--even though I really don't want to--to keep up the pretense that I am doing ok. To me, ok means I go to work and function like a "normal" human--but I feel so sad, empty, pained. To even really think about how awful it really is to have two stillborn babies and a miscarriage in less than two years makes me nauseous.

I often question why this awful thing had to happen to us. I don't want god or any other deity brought into it--if there really is a god, why the hell did he/she decide to punish us so horribly? I am horribly angry, sad, envious, lonely over our losses. I haven't been to my blog in 6 months, and when I logged in I noticed that most of the baby loss blogs I had followed before are now writing primarily about their "rainbow" baby or babies. I really wish I was one of them. It pains me so much to not fall into that category.

Every pregnancy or birth announcement makes me want to cry. Pregnant people send me into a whirlwind--I want to warn them that not every pregnancy ends happily. I want to yell out, "My babies died and yours could, too." Then I want to ask them what it feels like to be utterly naive, happy and hopeful about the life inside them.

Not many people have asked what our plans are for the future, but inevitably the ones who do offer up the suggestion of adoption. Like there's any chance in hell that we hadn't thought of that already. **sarcasm** Thanks, I already know my body is deadly for babies so why don't we just give up having our own biological child. (there is NOTHING wrong with adoption, but I don't want people telling me that we should consider it instead of another pregnancy.)

I had gone to two different grief groups and I find that neither one fits well anymore. Most people go on to have a subsequent pregnancy that works and I don't fit into that mold. It was easier to go when I still thought that stillbirth couldn't possibly happen to a couple twice. I was very, very wrong.

I am not writing this to garner sympathy. I just simply need to release some of this grief I am holding on to...and this seems to be one outlet that works for me.

The only way out is through...so on I will go...hoping for peace about our lost babies. Hoping with every fiber of my being that we will get to be parents someday.