It has been six months since we brought Ava into the world silently, and a little over 2 years since Maddie was stillborn. I also had an early miscarriage in September that very few people know about. I am having a very, very hard time with my grief. I feel compelled to keep it inside--even though I really don't want to--to keep up the pretense that I am doing ok. To me, ok means I go to work and function like a "normal" human--but I feel so sad, empty, pained. To even really think about how awful it really is to have two stillborn babies and a miscarriage in less than two years makes me nauseous.
I often question why this awful thing had to happen to us. I don't want god or any other deity brought into it--if there really is a god, why the hell did he/she decide to punish us so horribly? I am horribly angry, sad, envious, lonely over our losses. I haven't been to my blog in 6 months, and when I logged in I noticed that most of the baby loss blogs I had followed before are now writing primarily about their "rainbow" baby or babies. I really wish I was one of them. It pains me so much to not fall into that category.
Every pregnancy or birth announcement makes me want to cry. Pregnant people send me into a whirlwind--I want to warn them that not every pregnancy ends happily. I want to yell out, "My babies died and yours could, too." Then I want to ask them what it feels like to be utterly naive, happy and hopeful about the life inside them.
Not many people have asked what our plans are for the future, but inevitably the ones who do offer up the suggestion of adoption. Like there's any chance in hell that we hadn't thought of that already. **sarcasm** Thanks, I already know my body is deadly for babies so why don't we just give up having our own biological child. (there is NOTHING wrong with adoption, but I don't want people telling me that we should consider it instead of another pregnancy.)
I had gone to two different grief groups and I find that neither one fits well anymore. Most people go on to have a subsequent pregnancy that works and I don't fit into that mold. It was easier to go when I still thought that stillbirth couldn't possibly happen to a couple twice. I was very, very wrong.
I am not writing this to garner sympathy. I just simply need to release some of this grief I am holding on to...and this seems to be one outlet that works for me.
The only way out is through...so on I will go...hoping for peace about our lost babies. Hoping with every fiber of my being that we will get to be parents someday.
Bear with me, it’s been a while.
8 years ago
Val, I am so very, very sorry. I know there's not much I can offer, but please know that I continue to think of you and your girls often, and will now think of your little one that joined them in September.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about all of your losses. My sister-in-law is in a similar situation. With tons of medical intervention I have been able to go one an have children after losing Ava and Mackenzie. However, she has lost three precious little ones now. None of which she has been able to carry past 7 weeks. She desires so much just to know what it feels like to have your baby kick at all. I can relate with her on losing babies but not on the continued grief of not having a rainbow baby with no sure answer in sight on how to get a baby out of all the interventions she's tried. She's been through so much. Not to mention she was raped a few years ago and then experienced learning that her last baby didn't have a heartbeat any longer while her husband was in the room texting his mistress. She just went through a divorce last March and is now engaged to a wonderful man whom she'll marry in May. She will be trying for another baby when she's married. I've told you her testimony only to let you know that you are not alone. You may have not found a group that fits your current grief stage but there are still people out there struggling. I feel like God doesn't hand these horrible things to us but does have the control to let them pass through His hands. He is allowing the horrible things to happen to us but that is because we aren't supposed to be strong enough to handle it alone. Leaning on Him for my grief support is what I ended up doing because grief support groups weren't for me. He quickly delivered me from my depression after losing. He allowed me to share the girl's story to reach others. I can't help but wonder if He wants you to do something similar or something completely more radical. I started a BabyLoss Mother's Day in my area to help recognize mamas without their babies here on earth, even if they had gone on to have more children. You have such a testimony to share of your own and to reach those people like my sister-in-law who is in a similar position. I hope none of this has offended you...if it has just delete it. I'll be praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteVal,
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to find the words to say anything that even sounds comforting given that I am also so angry for your situation, losses and sadness. There is no fairness or answers. My heart is just sad...and I continue to think of you and your babies. Don't ever hesitate to write or reach out to others. We are here for you. <3