I have been thinking a lot lately about what I would be doing if I were still pregnant. I would be 36 weeks pregnant today and Sunday would have been my baby shower. I would have been going to Madison twice weekly for NSTs and probably would have been as big as a house.
Instead, my daughter's cremains are safely in my possession. All I have left of her fits in a shoe box. Instead of wondering about the beautiful child in my belly, I'm hoping that she didn't suffer and is watching over us from heaven. I am having a very hard time lately. Grief is such an awful thing. It creeps up on me like a bad cold--it delivers a hard punch just when you think things are better.
I try not to think about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I am not succeeding. I know this is all part of how grief goes, but it really sucks.
I am not a very patient person. We tried to get pregnant for more than a year. When we learned that a simple lab showed I had an elevated prolactin level and the fix was a tiny pill, we were elated! Fast forward one month and we were pregnant.
There is no magic pill to help me work through losing Maddie. I hate the guilt and the anger. I hate feeling stuck in this spot with these feelings. People have moved on and I feel stuck in that moment. There is no consoling that helps me feel as if there wasn't something I could have done to change the ultimate outcome. I know in my brain that it wasn't my fault, but my heart hasn't caught up.
I would love to be up all night consoling an unhappy, hungry baby. Instead I am stuck trying to mend my unbelievably broken heart. Anyone want to trade? Didn't think so.
Bear with me, it’s been a while.
8 years ago
You are right Val, it's not easy; however, I hope you know that you are not alone in this. It sounds like everything you are saying could have come from me too. Grief is so tough and unpredictable and you are doing a great service to yourself by sharing your feeings and reaching out to others.
ReplyDeleteI was so relieved to hear that you had a good day recently because that is what you deserve. Those days will come more and more and that does not mean that you are moving on, it just means you are human. Maddie will always be a very big and special part of your life but just not in the way that you planned.
Hugs to you!