trying...

I'm trying to overcome this funk I've been in. I feel downright crappy lately...crappy emotionally. I am quite tired of it, as I'm sure my husband is, too. Per the suggestion of my therapist, I'm trying to get the stuff out creatively. I know writing. Somehow it's always been an intuitive way for me to express myself.


Today is my day off...not enough of them-- yet that's a good thing to keep me focused...slept poorly last night and how I wish one morning I would wake up refreshed and well rested. Maybe one day.

I was putzing in the kitchen this morning and came upon some papers on the fridge from a grief class I attended. This thought spoke to me and really started to make me think...

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.

Here's another one that was softer, kinder.

Be gentle and kind and patient. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved. 

The last directive on the page was simple. Do the best you can. 

That's all anyone can do. Maddie I'm doing the best I can...but it's been so hard lately. I've been recycling all the moments of those two days. Strange, random moments...like lying in bed in the hospital at one in the morning in a fog of pain, sadness, labor and pain meds...and I can feel the awfulness once again. Do I have to relive all of this? 

be kind to your mind. self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. gently change your thoughts.

baby girl...I miss you. I am sad you were stolen from me. I want to heal. Help me heal...for me, for your dad, for the siblings we hope you'll have someday. help this journey through grief not to be so raw and painful.