Blah

I've been feeling kind of blah lately. Kind of sad, kind of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not pregnant. My baby is dead. Woe is me. But I HATE feeling that way. That's why I'm writing, I guess, to help purge some of these feelings.

I am having a hard time forgiving myself...for what exactly, I'm not sure. I know in my brain I did everything I possibly could to ensure Maddie would be born healthy. I simply didn't know my body was working against me and forming too many clots in my placenta. No amount of anyone telling me that I did everything right helps, either. I just have to get my head and heart in the same place.

I need to "process" all the stuff that makes me catch my breath and hurt. I'm not sure what process really means...does that mean I am able to talk about it without crying? Or does that mean I just accept all the nasty, nitty gritty stuff that bothers me and eventually it doesn't bother me as much?

This path to parenthood really sucks. I hate feeling negative and sad...but I know I have to work through it to be a good wife, daughter, mom to Maddie and any other babies...avoiding it and burying it are not healthy and just prolong the pain.


I will follow you into the dark...cover by Christina Perri