April tears bring May babies?

How I'm feeling lately...

That is a very good question. On the outside, I probably resemble a slightly sad woman, but coping well with the loss of her very much loved and wanted daughter. At least that's what I'm told. On the inside, somedays I feel like I'm working backwards. I had a huge meltdown...at work, nonetheless, last week.

One of my good work friends who has been very supportive and caring to me through all we've been through is around 31 weeks pregnant. One of our mutual coworkers asked me point blank the other day about a baby shower for her. At work.

After she asked that question, time stopped for me. I froze. I was completely flabbergasted and didn't have a clue how to respond. I think my response was something along the lines of "you're going to have to check with **** about that." I walked away. My mind was reeling and somehow a small thought popped through that I should go tell this person that I am happy for our friend, but the thought of putting together a shower for her is too much, overwhelming, etc. Well, I went back and basically said that I am very happy for her, but I can't....and then I started crying.

I can't ....can't cope, can't help but cry, can't be happy for her?

I am happy for her. I am just so sad for me.

I couldn't even talk about it to anyone. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for crying at work and having such a strange reaction to an innocent question. I emailed one safe person at work who gets it. She has been thorough the same thing and offered support. I couldn't even tell my husband. I felt like an over-emotional psycho.

Saturday I mentioned it to my sister who offers unconditional support and tough love--sometimes at the same time. The reaction I got from her was tough love.

After feeling fairly pissed off at what she said, I really thought about it. What would I think of a friend, or sister, dealing with a similar situation who seemed lost in the grief and seemed to be losing sight of the future at certain points? I would have said the same thing she did. Probably less bluntly than she did, but we are two very different people.

So I'm taking her words of advice to heart and finding a professional to talk to about all the feelings I have welling up inside me that feel too overwhelming to share with people close to me.

I think the fact that I feel unable to verbalize the overwhelming feelings inside me is the scariest part. Bottling them up is not a good way to cope. I guess recognizing that is half the battle.

I hate the fact that I haven't blogged in quite a while and that the first time back I am sooooo...sad, negative, feeling like I'm back at square one. I feel quite similar to how I felt in the first few weeks. This sucks. Why can't it get easier?

One other note...I'm going for an annual exam tomorrow. My plan is to have the OB/GYN prescribe the same magical pill cabergoline to help my prolactin go down so we can try to conceive again. I am hopeful she will be agreeable. This is not the same doctor who saw me before, but they work together, so I am keeping a positive thought.

Please say some prayers for me and my crazy emotions. I can't wait to be back on some normal, even keel.