It seems that pregnancy is catching...but not for us. Everywhere I turn, someone else is announcing a pregnancy or announcing the birth of a baby. I am having a hard time being overly excited for people...especially some people.
We are struggling with infertility. I am not ovulating. And we're taking measures to try to "fix" the problem. I am very frustrated, upset, pissed off, annoyed and just plain sad that this rainbow baby is so hard to come by. My husband is optimistic--almost too much at times--and he knows we will get pregnant eventually.
The only saving grace about being completely focused on trying to conceive is the fact that I am not still in that devastated state of grief like I was. Instead, my complete focus (obsession) on conceiving is probably not helping my infertility.
So back to people being pregnant--one of my coworkers announced that she is having twins. Now if you have been following this blog--this is the same coworker who asked me about a baby shower for our mutual coworker and after the question I lost it at work and cried the messy, snot nosed sob crying that I usually reserve for moments of complete privacy.
I just about lost it at work when I heard about her twins. We are supposed to be pregnant, too. The clomid might increase our chance of twins. WHY can't I have one baby who lives and why does she get two more?
WHY. I can't go there. I need to start going to church or something. When I start asking why too much, I start to feel like a bad person inside. So I went home and cried. I cried to my husband who is sympathetic, but isn't a girl so doesn't see/feel things in the weird ways I do. I yelled, said quite a few swear words, got all snot nosed up and then recovered.
At work today, the scab over my emotions was fresh. As long as the person didn't ask me directly if I had heard about her twins, I felt like I could block off those emotions. But then I started thinking about what I would say if she said anything.
I should really go to church. Peace...I need peace.
Bear with me, it’s been a while.
8 years ago
Val, I am SO sorry you are going through this difficulty on top of losing Maddie. Sometimes life just seems so unfair. Don't give up hope that your rainbow is coming too though, I know it's hard to say that, but you have to have hope. And it's ok to be angry and upset about it too. I do hope that you find peace soon and I am sorry that this new announcement has made your journey even tougher. You are NOT a bad person for your feelings of frustration though, I think those of us who have lost a baby have all been there at some point and do understand. I may not be able to take away your pain but I do understand and relate to the pain you are experiencing. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry you are dealing with infertility. I've struggled with that for over 3 years now, so if you want to talk at all---I'm sure I've been there mentally and emotionally. We have gone through a variety of treatments and I have quite a stock pile of information too, if it suits you. Infertility is its own burden to bear, then add on angel babies and it's a perfect storm. I'm so glad to hear you are writing your thoughts down though, either publicly or privately, it has helped me tremendously on this journey from hell. I hope it helps you to find that peace or at least get out some of those pent up emotions. EmilyG
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh, Val. I'm so sorry that all of this is happening on top of losing Maddie. Just one of these things (losing a child, post-Maddie baby shower, infertility, twins) is enough to cause stress and you're having all of them. If you ever want to talk about Maddie, infertility, baby showers, snarky responses to your co-workers (to relieve tension and find peace), or anything else I'm here. I too have struggled with infertility and would not mind at all answering any questions, offering support or just listening.
ReplyDelete